It has been a while since my last blog post, and to be honest, at times I just didn’t feel like there were things I was ready to talk about. This has been the hardest season of my professional life, both physically and mentally, so in a way I am very glad I can finally say it has come to an end.
As I am writing this right now, I am sitting in my very messy new apartment in Salzburg, where I will be joining the ballet company at the Landestheater Salzburg in three weeks, so lets break down this rollercoaster year.
First off I started the season with an ongoing injury, followed by my dismissal letter. Getting fired is a very weird thing, and it actually feels a lot like being broken up with, no matter how much you saw it coming, no matter how much you didn’t want it anymore, when you finally get fired, it hurts, a lot. It is the one validation that you are no longer good enough to do your job, and lets face it, it´s embarrassing.
I have to admit I was not very surprised, me getting fired had been a long exhausting process, in a way it was a relief, it meant no more pressure or threats, and I finally knew what was happening, until I realised, I had no idea what I would do. I had been injured for a while, and I have done enough auditions to know that to do a good audition you have to feel good in your own skin, and I felt anything but good in my own skin. I was hurt, embarrassed, not fit, and now I was petrified. Not a good mix of feelings…
So I did the best thing I could think of at that moment, I took time, time off for my foot to heal, for a few tequila shots, for a very spontaneous trip to Denmark to visit some friends, and time to cry, and feel sad, and scared and all of the things I couldn’t help feeling. And that is when the game changed.
I was slowly crawling my way back to dancing, when rehearsals for nutcracker started, and I will never forget this day, just before we were meant to start our little very easy dance, my partner, Reginaldo Oliveira , turned to me and said he had something to tell me, he had been invited to be the director in Salzburg, and boom, music starts, all I remember saying was: should I cry or should I laugh, and we finished the rehearsal laughing our buts off.
I have spoken about Reginaldo here before, I have been working with him for a while and I love working with him, so I was not only very happy and proud of him as a friend, but I secretly hoped that he would allow me to come for an audition. Once the offer was final and all the details clear, Reginaldo offered me a job, and here we are now.
As far as spreading news go, I have waited until everything was very sure, and I am glad I did. As much as I am extremely lucky to have a chance to work with someone I fully support and stand behind, leaving is always hard, so i had to once again come to term with all of the feelings I have (I hope its more of an artist thing then a bipolar disorder kind of thing).
And just because everything seemed too smooth, a different injury, not the kind that happens at once, but the serious kind, that has been years in the making, a partial rupture of a tendon on the foot sole that happens slowly due to inflammation caused by overwork. And as a dancer when you hear the words stress reaction, the first thing that comes to mind is “fuck”, because no matter how big of a sadomasochist you are, those injuries really need to heal.
But once again, sometimes bad things come for our own good, even though I really hate not working (not getting any younger), I needed the distance to slowly get used to being away. In the six weeks I was off I had the chance to pack and move, spend time with my other friends outside of work and for a small adventure in France. So, as very painful injuries go, there was not so much harm done. I still got the chance to work with the company for another 2 weeks, and to do a last show, which to me definitely meant tying the loose ends.
It has definitely been a bittersweet year to me, I have been in Karlsruhe for the last seven years, its not only the place where I grew up as a person, but it is also where I started my professional career. It is a place I have made friends that I know will stay with me for life, its somewhere I can walk around without a wallet because I know someone will buy me a coffee, a burger, or even open a tequila tab that can be paid tomorrow. It has not only been my home until now, but it will be my home for a while, where I will go when I am in trouble, and to share good news. And although saying goodbye was very hard, I am still sitting here, heart beating, writing a blog post, and once again feeling so much. I am sad for the part of my life that is over, very proud of what I have achieved, grateful for the amazing people I have met and the really great friends I have made and scared, but really, really excited for what is about to come….